An Adjustment to my beliefs

So, today I saw the world from a different perspective. I realized that the concept of pre-destiny is broader than I initially thought. I used to think that our lives are pre-destined. God is omni-potent, omni-present, omniscient, omni-etc :) and therefore, he would know our endings at the same time he created our beginnings. The error in my belief, however, was that he only created one possible ending. It seems that God is the Greatest Economist and Operations Researcher of all time. While creating us, he ran an infinite (or maybe finite) number of iterated procedures, combining all possible probabilities. These iterations form the possibilities of our lives. Our initial steps determine the choices that will follow and he always knows the possibilities that exist based on our choices.

I always had a problem with Christians saying that we have choices, when I know that God knows our ending from before he created us. But now I understand that we really do have choices, within a set of possibilities provided by God. We don't have infinite choices, only those provided within the set provided by the Almighty. This means I am able to mold my destiny, within the set of possibilities allowed. I should never resign myself to thoughts like 'sera sera'. Once I am able to think it, then Maybe, it is in in my possibilities set. Maybe our set of possibilities is defined by our thoughts. Maybe we are not allowed to think impossible thoughts. What sense would it make to dream impossible dreams or think impossible thoughts. This realization gives me great inner strength. No mountain is too high for me to climb, once I can see myself at the top.

Many the Miles

Not even a week and already I'm crying.

I used to think that crying is something the weak do

but apparently, it's a part of the process. 

The adjustment process.

I haven't created a home away from home as yet.

I've entered into an arranged marriage 

signed a contract for the next 4 years

that I cannot break easily

given that I can't afford a plane ticket home just yet.

I will have to stick it out. 

Make friends, join associations

learn about myself and find out just how strong I am

personally and academically

This is my time to step into the shoes that will take me to a whole new level of maturity or a new level of understanding my limitations.

I really hope I have what it takes to make it out alive

and with a PhD

If not, I'll be very embarrassed, 

but at least I'll know that I tried 

As much as this adjustment process is difficult, 

I don't want to just give up. 

When I have my PhD, I wish I'll remember this day and smile or cry.

I hope I'll remember Sara Bareilles and the song that cheered me up somewhat "Many the miles"

"There's too many things that I haven't done yet
Too many sunsets
I haven't seen
You can't waste the day wishing it'd slow down
You would've thought by now
I'd have learned somethingI made up my mind when I was a young girl
I've been given this one world
I won't worry it away
But now and again I lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light
But then Love comes in

How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and I'll be happy to follow you Love

I do what I can wherever I end up
To keep giving my good love
And spreading it around
Cause I've had my fair share of take care and goodbyes
I've learned how to cry
And I'm better for that

Sing how far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Send me the miles and I'll be happy to
Follow you Love

Red letter day and I'm in a blue mood
Wishing that blue would just carry me away
I've been talking to God don't know
If it's helping or not
But surely something has got to got to got to give
Cause I can't keep waiting to live

How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and I'll be happy to yeah
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
Been talking to God don't know if it's helping or not
Many the miles
Many the miles
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
Many the miles
Oh send me the miles and I'll be happy to
Follow you Love

There's too many things I haven't done yet
Too many sunsets I haven't seen " -Sara Bareilles Thanks so much for this song :)

Why do I want him to call?

Why do I want him to call now after ignoring him all day?

My emotions are so mixed up. I really don't want to like him, but the time spent with him has created some level of companionship towards him. Maybe 'companionship' is the wrong word. 'Friendliness' may be a better word. So, he doesn't seem too bad. Well, I never really expected him to be, but why do I want him to call?

I turn down all his offers to lunch, dinner, date, whatever. But I want him to ask any ways. I tell him, 'no, you can't take me anywhere', but I'm imagining him taking me to the airport. He's also the first one to pop up when I think of going to a fun filled place.

I don't understand the strange things that happen when I think of men.

He's not unattractive. But it would be nice if his stomach was not as large or his age wasn't a concern.

How will I ever know when a man is genuine? How will I be able to trust a man when most of the men I know are horrible, selfish creatures? I'm scared that I may get hurt, so I don't allow myself to get involved emotionally with anyone. It hurts too much when I have to pick up the pieces of my heart all by my lonesome self. It hurts like hell.

So it all comes down to these facts:
1. I seem to like him
2. I'm leaving the country soon
3. That's not enough time to get to know him
4. I don't know how genuine his confessions of affection are
5. He may distract  me while in school.
6. I'm not really comfortable around men

Getting rid of that task, picking up another one

I can't wait to start packing my bags in preparation for Japan. Even though, there really is nothing wrong in my life right now, I yearn for better. I yearn for new experiences, new faces, accents and challenges. For now, I really just want to spend time with my family and rest. It would also be great if I could get a handle on my thesis proposal and get it done within a week.

But, all of that will have to wait a bit, since I have this thing that I do every day between 8:30am and 5:00pm.  And In order to do it, I have to prepare for at least an hour and commute there in about another 2 hrs. Then take another 2 hours to wind down in the evenings. When I incorporate the time I eat, sleep and and use the restroom, I am left with only about 2-3 hours free per day. Now you may think this is good enough to do all the things I want to do, but somehow, for me, it's grossly inadequate. So, what shall I do? It seems obvious, :) Get rid of that thing that takes up so much of my time each day. I'm in the process of doing just that, but while I'm working at it, I'm still losing time that could have been used to do other things. But, there is an upside, I get paid every month for a portion of the time I spend doing this thing :). So, it's not so bad, but I can still complain and get it off my chest.

I'm so excited though, about the new turn my life is about to take :) Ganbarimasu