Friends

I long for past days when I dressed up and felt feminine. I long for the days when I had close friends who I could hang out with and witness each other's lives together. I miss the days when Christmas and New Years meant parties like Osmosis, Yush, French Connection and just plain old clubbing at the Quad. I miss the Diva who used to drag me to all these parties and force me to enjoy myself. 

Life has certainly changed. I'm no longer an active member of the society in which I live because of language and culture barriers that I just don't have time to overcome. Friends are now virtual representations through social media and VoIP connections. No one hugs me anymore just cuz its Thursday. No one says 'I'm coming over so make sure there's food in the house' anymore. 

Friends are such precious commodities in our lives that we don't fully appreciate until they're gone or until they become only whatsapp and Facebook connections. If they're only a message or a phone call away, albeit in a different time zone, and I feel so disconnected, imagine if they were in a different realm, like the afterlife. 

I had no idea being a student in this country would be so hard. Hardly any of the friends I've made here over the years are still here. Almost everyone leaves. There isn't much of a pathway made here to retain foreign students and we are often times asked why are we here so long and when we will return to wherever we came from. The conversation is never about if I like it here enough to live or if I want to stay. It's always assumed to I will return somewhere soon. 

In my previous life, I was culturally close to the US, Canada & the UK, so I often thought of grad students being welcomed by the countries in which they studied. I thought I would be able to live anywhere and assimilate to any culture and make friends who were physically close by. Oh how my understanding of life has changed. 

It's impossible to live happily without like minds around, even for introverts like me. Some people have asked me why I don't socialize with people from my home country more, as if we should all be friends despite our personality differences, interests and current places in life. I tend to have many acquaintances but I can't call them up when I'm having a panic attack or when I'm otherwise unwell or just in need of someone to just sit and chat with. We just aren't close like that. 

So I miss the olden days when I had that. When I could just go driving for no reason with a friend or just crash at a friend's or sibling's home because I didn't want to go home. I miss it all and I wonder if I'll ever be able to have it all again. I wonder...and I hope that I'll make even stronger connections with friends in the future.